Growing up with an alcoholic, abusive father
I was a pretty happy artistic, energetic child who loved to play, read, write, sing and draw. Life for me as a child growing up was pretty normal, but by my early teen years, my dad’s drinking had turned him into a full blown alcoholic. He physically and emotional abused my mother for many years, hitting her on an almost daily basis and accusing her of all manner of things, and calling her all sorts of vulgar names.
Our house was filled with shouting, hitting and quarrelling most of the time, and I did not know what it was like to live in peace. Because of the abuse she suffered from my father, my mother was mostly always crying, angry, unhappy and very strict with my sister and I.
Depression and suicide
As a result of growing up in such an unstable, chaotic home, I developed very low self esteem, fear, and had no confidence whatsoever. I did not know what peace or true joy meant as I was always sad and miserable. I was scared of people, reserved and withdrawn. I didn’t talk much and did not like to associate with people. I coped with what was going on at home by shutting myself away from people, not getting close to anyone for fear of being hurt. I escaped by watching a lot of TV, thinking a lot, writing my journals, daydreaming and reading novels. I coped by escaping into daydreams and fantasies so I could escape the misery I has within my heart and mind. My parent’s problems and fathers alcoholism mae me feel rejected, unloved, unwanted and miserable. I developed depression and suical thoughts by the time I was 12.
I was not really brought up in church. I always longed to know God, but my ideas about him were of this strict God I could never please who would send me to hell if I wasn’t perfect. I did not imagine him as a God of love. When I was nine years old, I had two dreams where the rapture had occurred and I was always full of fear of being left behind when Jesus came and my ending up in hell.
By age 15, I was so hopeless and lost in such darkness that I did not want to live anymore. Life was too unbearable. I was in boarding school by this time in high school I was reserved, shy, awkward, clumsy and loved to stay alone. Girls in my school called me ‘weird’ and ‘odd’ because of my intense fear and awkwardness. I also bed wet throughout high school and this made me feel like an even bigger weirdo than they thought I was. I had body image issues and hated everything about myself. Life was so unbearable for me, I had such self hatred and self pity that death was the only viable option for me.
At age 15 in my second year in high school I tried to commit suicide by taking a huge bunch of pills – hoping to overdose and escape the hell I was living in at home. Luckily I did not die, and out of a fear of going to hell, I did not attempt suicide seriously again but felt stuck living while I desired and wanted to die.
My father’s suicide and more hopelessness
When I was 16, my father tried to kill my mother one night, and the next day after intervention from my mother’s sisters and brother, they were separated. We moved to a smaller house which my mother could afford. I only saw my dad once more six months later in December, 1998 when he came to visit us, but I was filled with such anger and hatred for him that I showed him contempt and did not want to be in the house while he was there. I remember leaving and coming up late when I was sure he would be back, I met with him on the road when he was leaving and we stayed awkward goodbyes like strangers. Little did I know this would be my last time to see him alive.
Six months later in May 1999 when I was 17, my father committed suicide. I was in my last year of high school, and my mind was in such torment that I’m surprised I managed to finish high school and pass my exams. My father’s suicide totally messed me up and made my already dark state of mine worse. I blamed myself and suffered guilt for the many times I was rude to my father and the hatred I had for him I turned the grief inwards and grew even more hateful of myself and life in general.
My first three years of college went by in a blur. They were miserable years. I got involved in a relationship where I was introduced to alcohol and sex. Then I got pregnant at 20 and had an abortion. All these problems and sins were mixed up with my depression and my life was a living hell. All along I had wanted to be a good person but I found myself always self destructing and ding the very things I hated and it’s like I could not control myself and stop my sinful habits. I continued to struggle with more mental issues such as OCB (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), bulimia (an eating disorder) and more anxiety. I visited many different places for counseling and therapy, but I never really got any help for my depression.
I was constantly suicidal after the abortion and had a great fear of death and going to hell. Fear had so taken over my life that I was scared of leaving the house even to go to college. I would shut myself in the house for days with all the curtains drawn, filled with misery. I would drink secretly in my room to numb the pain, but it only made things worse. Once I drank so much alcohol that I collapsed and was rushed to a hospital where I was admitted for two days on alcoholic poisoning.
I had always wanted to live for God but it was always so hard for me to make the decision because I felt so unworthy. One day in January 2003, after months of wanting to get right with God, sitting at home alone, I switched the channel to Christian TV and after watching three shows. I repeated the prayer they said after the program and gave my life to Christ.
Falling back into darkness
In the year and a half to come I joined a church and focused on serving God and pleasing him. I gave myself to fully serving God in various ministries in the church. My life finally had peace and true joy. Everybody noticed the change in me because I was no longer sad and withdrawn. My mum and sister started attending church once in a while because of me.
However, the change was short-lived. I began again to struggle with depression and insecurity, and instead of staying close to God and looking to him for comfort, I walked away from him and drowned myself in self pity and gave in to the feelings I had of unworthiness and inadequacy and low self esteem. Shutting myself away from God and church and all the church friends I had and isolating myself opened the door for more depression and with time I found myself back to my old ways of thinking and soon I met up with an old friend and I ended up pregnant. I lost 25 pounds while pregnant because of depression and made two half-hearted suicide attempts. This was the worst period of my life. I went through worse misery than I ever had. I had disappointed myself, God and my family and it was too much for me to handle. But I had made up my mind to keep my baby and suffer the consequences of my actions. I hardly ate the whole time I was pregnant. My body was weak; I became very thin and was filled with such severe hopelessness.
Being a new mom, with severe mental health issues, no confidence, depression and a lot of anger and bitterness at life and all my mistakes, despite having wanted always to be a ‘good’ responsible girl, was not something easy for me. Being a mom did not come naturally because I had always secluded myself into this world where I was always alone, and it was difficult to now deal with having an innocent, helpless life be my responsibility. It took years for me to finally be at home and at ease with being a mom with God’s help. I had damaged emotions, trust issues, painful wounds, bitterness, anger and it made it difficult for me to easily transition to being a care taker of an innocent life but I loved my baby and the Lords grace was with me.
My mother was also struggling with her own identity as a widow and alcohol seemed to be her only comfort. Added to it having to support me, jobless and with a child was not easy for her. It was very strenuous to our relationship since we both had bitterness and so much anger, and a feeling of receiving the short end of the stick in life.
I finally was referred to a psychiatrist by my aunt because she saw I needed the help. I couldn’t function. I was always tired and disoriented. Even after I got a job it was so tough for me to function because of the severe clinical depression I had. My mind was cloudy and dark and I was always sad and suicidal and hopeless. The doctor prescribed anti-depressants for me, but I did not take them long because of the side effects.
In the years to come, I would get into many wrong relationships, make friends with the wrong kind of people because I was lonely, go out to clubs with my new ‘friends’ – something I never did before – started drinking quite often, got addicted to wine, tried smoking weed, and tried getting into all manner of stuff to get peace. I even thought at some point that I may be a lesbian and sought this lifestyle out. I begun to hang out with gay ladies, went to strip clubs and did all manner of things I had previously never considered, I was searching for identity everywhere and never found it. This lifestyle didn’t give me what I desired but left me even more troubled and guilt filled. I tried to find identity and purpose from horoscopes, personality profiles, through my writing gift etc, but even after trying all there was to try … I still felt lonely and alone, and I did not fit in anywhere.
My life was a big mess. I did my best to be a good mom to my daughter, because I did not want her to feel the same rejection I’d felt all my life, but being depressed and sad all the time, I could not really be a good mother to her. I knew only the Lord Jesus could help me but I was so dejected and guilty at how far I had wandered from him that I did not think he could take me back, I had written myself of but he never did.
At the age of 27, I started to lose my mind completely. I was so tired, often sick, fatigued, hopeless and begging God daily to let me die. I knew if I didn’t make things right with God, I probably would end up dead for sure. I didn’t have much of life left. I was so frustrated with my life; I had no peace. I started seeing a psychiatrist again because I was at my end. He diagnosed me as severely clinically depressed and also having social anxiety and put me on drugs. But I could feel God tell me it’s him I needed, and I could keep medicating and drinking but I would never have peace. By this time I was even drinking while at work during my lunch break in an effort to numb all the pain within.
After years of rejecting God and trying to fix my life on my own … I couldn’t run any more. On July 7th, 2009 a normal day, I went home and put my daughter to sleep. I just felt the conviction of the Lord so strong that night, that I knew it was time to make things right. The lord had been pursuing me so fervently. I would be in clubs and in sin and I would hear the Holy Spirit of God speak to me to come back to God, the Lords voice and conviction of my sinfulness and need for him had become so strong that I couldn’t deny it anymore. Right there in my bedroom that night, crying like a baby, I confessed my sins, cried out to him for mercy and grace and help and rededicated my life back to Jesus. I knew right then my past was over and there would be no turning back.
The Bible says, ”If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9).
That night I cried out to God sincerely and he heard me. Like the prodigal son in Luke 15, I came to the end of myself and went back to my Father, and he received me with joy and rejoicing. When I woke up the next morning, I felt brand new, it hard to explain what the Lord did for me when I cried out to him in sincerity for the next morning, my mind was brand new, all my addictions and lusts and desires for sin and perversion were gone, the Lord delivered me instantly as he promises in his word. I never went back to doing the things I did before. It was his power not mine, Lord knows how many times I had desired and made promises to myself not to drink or commit sin before and how miserably id failed, I was a slave to sin and Satan, but that night when I called on the Lord from my heart he delivered me from all psychiatrists, counselors, my own efforts, friends, never could. He did it by his power and might! Nothing is too hard for God! Nobody is too hopeless and sinful for God.
“He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and mire.” (Psalms 40:2)
I started slowly working again on my relationship with God and leaning on his eternal love for me. He delivered me from my fear and depression and suicidal thoughts. I eventually went back to the very same church where I had served and fallen and humbled myself to seek the Lord and follow him and love him all the days of my life. I got back into serving in the Lord again. His gifts and calling are irrevocable. The call he had for my life never was taken away it was I that had walked away from him. I love serving the Lord and ministering to people. I am a Teenagers teacher at my church as I love preaching Gods word. I have an outreach ministry to the poor and looking forward to more opportunities to preach the gospel of the Lord Jesus Christ and his power to save and deliver!
The Lord has also over time confirmed my call to preach his gospel and see people come to the saving knowledge of Christ and experience his deliverance and freedom. I am truly grateful to him for taking my messed up life and using it for his glory. Truly his word is true when he says “God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God” (1 Corinthians 1:27-30).
I also love writing for the Lord as an outreach and encouragement tool. God has given me a special love for the brokenhearted, rejected, unloved, cast aside and hurt because that was my experience. I know there is healing for any situation we have gone through in Christ and I am open to sharing that love and provision to all. God has made my mess my message.My aim is always to share Christ’s love, forgiveness, healing, hope and encouragement and expresses his Grace and Love in what I write.
Healing is a process but when we surrender our lives to the Lord and believe in his word and give it all to him then he truly does make us into a new creation in Christ. Knowing God has accepted and forgiven me, I cannot walk with my head held low, he has washed the past in the blood of the lamb and sometimes I actually can’t remember the things I did before or even relate them to myself, truly the lord does make all things new! He can do the same for you. There are so many burdens in my heart for the lost and the hurting, and I know that everything I’ve gone through God shall use for his glory in turning many to him. I know that everything I’ve gone through is for a purpose. He works all things together for good for those who Love him! Glory to God.
Your situation is not too hard for God, nothing is! He died to save sinners, he came for the sick and lost. He never casts away anyone who comes to him. Wont you give your life to him today. He loves you and has been waiting for you all along, he does not condemn but saves! God has taken my fears and hopelessness away and given me new life, and he will do the same for you if you let him, no matter what you have done. He is no respecter of persons.
The word of God says in 1 John 3:8 that “For this purpose the Son of God was manifested, that he might destroy the works of the devil.” The enemy comes to steal kill and destroy but Jesus came that you may have life in abundance. Trust him today, he will turn it all around for good and grant you to have eternal life after this life is over!
“Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold all things are become new …” (2 Corinthians 5:17).
“There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1)
If you would like to contact me, my email is: “(hisgrace82@gmail.com
In his Love,
Mwendwa
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